The Dublin Bus Tour - Declan O Brien

Welcome on board our sight seeing tour of Ireland’s capital city

Where as the famous song says “The girls are all so pretty”

 

Now before we make our departure and to avoid potential fuss

Let me point out to you .. the safety features on board the bus

 

First of all you’ll find crash helmets .. located under your seat

This is in the event of any riots .. when we reach O’Connell St

 

Please also observe our fire drill should we experience such bad luck

Slowly get out of your seats .. then proceed to run like .. f..ast as you possibly can to the nearest exit

 

If you should experience turbulence at any stage during our sight seeing cruise

Don’t panic! it’s just a crowd of 9 year olds .. taking our hub caps .. as we move

 

Now before we start do we have any questions .. questions of any sort?

Yes sir?

“Do we have toilet facilities if you happen to be caught short?

 

Well, “Yes and No” is the answer .. we don’t have an actual toilet as such

But you’ll notice that you are travelling .. on an open top tour bus

 

You see, the Irish people would be very used to sudden showers out of the blue

And if you hear them say “Jaysus, it’s pissin” .. well for once that would be true

 

Now I have the signal from the driver .. we are ready now to start

Which is a relief cos we’re never sure if this old bugger is going to start

 

Now, on the left of the bus is Government Buildings .. the Irish centre of power

And of course you will have noticed the impressive dome shaped tower

 

Christened the “Chaz Mahal” by Charlie Haughey .. a subject that’s still quite delicah’

In more recent times to reflect the last Taoiseach .. it was known as Bertie's basilica

 

Of course since the election of a certain Offaly man .. to the position of  head of state

the building has changed its name again .. it’s now called “Cowengate”

 

Now that building beside it houses stuffed animals..  and if you get a chance you should go see em

Then BESIDE the Dail you should also visit .. the natural History Museum

 

Now on the right of the bus is another landmark .. the statue of Molly Malone

Who sold cockles and mussels but died of a fever “ochon ochon ochon”

 

But thankfully she is preserved in  bronze .. like the symbol of many cities

The most striking feature you’ll notice .. is the size of her ample torso

 

Now on your left you will see Dublin Zoo .. oh, not the one in the Phoenix Park

No, it’s Temple Bar and you’d want to see the animals there after dark

 

For instance there are Stags .. imported from  England .. I’m not sure of the real reason

But evidence would suggest .. they are here for the mating season

 

You’ll also find many species of Hen .. and at night there are quite a few

To be found throwing up in the gutter .. they must have that bird flu

 

Ah, hold .. someone is after letting off .. and had egg sandwiches I can tell

Oh, sorry, my apologies .. we’re crossing O’Connell Bridge .. that’s the Liffey that I smell

 

Now we enter O’Connell St .. Daniel O’Connell’s statue is to your right

The pigeons think its Daniel O’Donnell .. that’s why it’s full of s .. sure if

 

You look over now you’ll see the General Post Office .. or the famous GPO

In which 50,000 Irishmen and women fought in the Rising years ago

 

Indeed wasn’t my own grandfather there .. strong and able bodied

Sure Padraig Pearse asked him specially . to get the proclamation photocopied

 

Now look straight up .. it’s Dublin’s Spire .. soaring like an eagle

A monument to modern Dublin .. a giant syringe needle

 

And just across from the GPO .. Anne Summers shop you’ll find

Another recent erection .. though of a slightly different kind

 

There’s McDowell’s the Happy Ring House .. where many a gent cemented his promise

Including myself now I think of it .. I think I’m going to vomit!!

 

On the right of the bus is the Rotunda Hospital .. where arrives the generations

of new born children .. who will make up the future of our nation

 

And the Garden of Remembrance ..  next door to the Rotunda

A place of reflection for Dubliners .. from Monda through to Sunda

 

The Garden gets its name from the pregnant women who in a state of bother

Wander round trying to remember .. who the hell was the father

 

As we finish .. could I ask you to pick up any rubbish at your feet

We want to keep the bus clean .. so just feck it all out on the street

 

That concludes our tour .. I hope you enjoyed the trip

And of course we would not be averse to receiving a little tip

 

This is totally voluntary of course .. though every little is a plus

(I just hope that you are able to jump off a moving bus)

 

So, please tell your friends about us .. if they happen to be around

The alternative tour of Dublin .. the true tale of Dublin town.